


Obelix Menhir Delivery Service

by JediBatman



Category: Astérix et Obélix | Asterix & Obelix (Live Action Movies), Astérix le Gaulois | Asterix the Gaul & Related Fandoms
Genre: Action/Adventure, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 14:36:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15075251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JediBatman/pseuds/JediBatman
Summary: While Asterix is in Rome for a secret mission, Obelix has to deliver a menhir to a nearby village.Unfortunately, a new Roman commander is in the area willing to prove himself.And when I say unfortunately, I mean for the poor Roman commander ...





	1. Waking up from your dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Asterix and Obelix are childhood heroes for me. Don't be fooled by my pen name (JediBatman). I got really interested in Star Wars in 2012... but with Asterix and Obelix... in 1991.

It was a cold autumn morning in the small Gaulish village we all know and love. The last free village in Gaul, surrounded by four roman forts, was enjoying the last peaceful and quiet moments of sleep and rest before another day came.

Just like every other person in the village, Obelix, the mighty entrepreneur and industrialist who specialized in menhir creation and its subsequent supply throughout the country was sleeping and dreaming in his hut. Next to him, his small in size but big in appetite dog Intefix was also sleeping and dreaming what dogs usually dream (dog food?).

Asterix, the famous adventurer and best friend of Obelix was away from the village in a secret assignment in Rome, the capital of the Roman Empire. Asterix and Obelix — and Intefix — usually went in adventures together with Asterix serving as the main hero and Obelix as the sidekick — or was it the other way around? — but this time things were slightly different. Asterix had gone to Rome escorted by the village bard. 

Obelix could not understand why the bard had joined Asterix in that adventure. He would have asked, but he had been too busy eating wild boars to do so. Fortunately, the absence of the bard meant less sound pollution for the village during the day and more quiet sleep during the night.

 

The unmistakable sound of the rooster made the village wake up. A new day had started. The village blacksmith and the village fisherman woke up ready to start working in their respective businesses with the blacksmith always ready to offer his constructive criticism about the freshness of the fisherman's fish. Ten times out of ten that polite and productive exchange of opinions ended up in an argument where fists and kicks were used by both parties.

Meanwhile, the village druid, named Getafix, woke up ready to create some of his potions. His most famous creation was the magic potion that multiplied the strength of the person who consumed for a fixed amount of time. When Obelix was a kid, he had fallen to the pot of the potion and had drunk it all and the result had been him having a permanent strength boost.

Obelix had used his extra strength to create menhirs out of rock and transport them with his bare hands. He also had used it to help Asterix in their numerous adventures together.

 

Intefix woke up at the sound of the rooster. On the other hand, Obelix was still asleep and dreaming. As soon as the small but formidable dog woke up, he started barking to wake up his boss.

Obelix had a really nice dream. It was him, Queen Cleopatra of Egypt, twenty attractive women dancing, and a big table full of wild boars, chicken, lamb, and other tasty foods. Two tall and very beautiful women approached Ovelix holding an enormous plate with a roasted wild boar in it. Our hero stood up, slowly approached the plate and... a dog barked. It kept barking and barking. But there was no dog around. The barking continued though till Obelix woke up to realize he was not in Egypt, there was no food waiting for him and no women waiting to serve him food. He could only see a dog close to his face. 

“What did you do Intefix? You woke me up just when I was about to get some breakfast! And I am so hungry. When did we last eat?” Intefix barked. Ovelix could understand him. Intefix was the only dog whose barks could understand.

"Last night? Hmm... OK. I hope there is something left for today.” He checked his hut. There was half a boar left on the table and a junk with goat milk. Two minutes later the boar and the contents of the junk had disappeared.

It was time for Obelix to get to work. He checked his schedule. He had a menhir to deliver in a village some kilometers to the south. Upon his return he would hunt some wild boars to get something light for dinner.

Obelix put some water on his face, got dressed and went to his storehouse. The menhir he was about to deliver was there, ready for him. He had even put a big blue ribbon around it at his customer's request.

Escorted by Intefix, Obelix entered the storehouse, picked up the menhir and left the village. His adventure was about to begin...


	2. Gaius Stubbornius

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Obelix continues his journey, the stubborn Gaius Stubbornius decides to seek some glory. (Poor Gaius ;)) )

While Obelix was slowly and confidently moving towards his objective, a not so young but still so ambitious Roman officer woke up in his tent. His name was Gaius Stubbornius and as his name implied he was... stubborn. His stubbornness had made him succeed where others had failed. 

He had been very stubborn in the military academy, arguing with his classmates and his teachers. He had been very stubborn in his first command, forcing his men to march double the distance they had to for the day. His men had almost fainted, but he had earned the praise of his commander. And most of it he had been very stubborn when talking to his three uncles who were Senators in order to get as much help as they could give him to advance his career.

Gaius Stubbornius considered himself an exceptional Roman officer. In reality, he was the typical one: rude, arrogant, with bad hairstyle, with an ego much bigger than his abilities, a tyrant with the subordinates, a slave with the superiors, and more than willing to pass blame to someone else whenever something went wrong. And most of it he had boundless ambition. 

Gaius Stubbornius had used his connections with his three senator uncles to gain a bigger military commission. Frustrated by his annoying stubbornness, the trio had him assigned to Gaul to the most remote place possible. They had assigned him in Armorice as commander of the four Roman forts that surrounded the small village of Asterix and Obelix.

The four commanders of the four forts had taken an immediate dislike for him. All of them were quiet, low profile people, who prided themselves for never attracting any attention. And now that stubborn idiot had come to upset them and attract attention. Dammit!

Thirty minutes later, Marcus Silentius, the commander of one of the forts and Gaius Stubbornius were on the move. Each one had twenty soldiers following him: Marcus had twenty veterans of Armorice while Stubbornius had twenty of the troops he had brought with him when he took command of the forts. 

 

Obelix made a small break for rest under a big oak tree. He let the menhir to the ground, and he sat next to the tree. His loyal dog Intefix sat next to him.

“You know Intefix, you are a very smart dog. Every time I tell you something, you understand it.” The dog barked in agreement.

“Would you like to play a game?” Intefix barked.

“OK, we will play catch. I will throw something and you will bring it back. What do you say?” Intefix barked many times. He was clearly happy with the suggestion.

“OK”, Obelix said picking up the menhir and raising it above his head. “Catch Intefix!” But the dog barked in disagreement.

“No? Why no?” Obelix was puzzled. Then he looked at the menhir again. The realization downed to him.

“You are a very smart dog! Of course! If I throw the menhir, the ribbon around it will be damaged when it hits the ground.” Intefix barked again.

“Another explanation? Well, what else? Let me think.” The dog barked again.

“Too heavy? Oh come on! It is a medium-sized menhir.” Intefix barked in exasperation.

“Oh, I see. I am stronger than you? Well, I hadn't thought of it. Maybe because you have strength of character!” Intefix barked again.

“Company? We have company? Where?” He looked in the distance and what did he see? Forty roman soldiers and two roman officers leading them.


	3. A "friendly" encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaius Stubbornius tries to attack Obelix. It works as planned... for Obelix!

“I see one of them!” Gaius Stubbornius said. “Time to show him the might of Rome!” Marcus Silentius, the veteran of Armorice looked at the man... and he got scared. So did his men. 

“Obelix... oh my god Obelix!”

“Do you know him?” Stubbornius asked. Silentius and his legionnaires nodded in agreement.

“So what do you suggest?”

“Well... I believe he still hasn't seen us, so we can still make a discreet detour and...”

“Nonsense! Romans! Follow me! Let's teach that son of Gaul a lesson of true Roman might!”

“I, and my legionnaires are going to form a defensive line in case he tries to outflank us and...”

“You are coming with me, whether you like it or not. And so do your men!” Marcus Silentius looked at his men. His men gave him a knowing nod. They had a plan just for that occasion. 

 

Meanwhile, Obelix had picked up his menhir and was walking towards his destination. Unfortunately... for the Romans, his path passed directly through them. 

“Stop right here Gaul!” Gaius Stubbornius said. Obelix stopped and so did his loyal dog Idefix. He looked at the Romans. When he saw Marcus Silentius he was so happy and his smile so wide.

“Hello Marcus! How do you do? Remember when I came for a visit?”

Marcus Silentius remembered very well. Obelix had lost his dog Idefix because some morons in his camp had decided to kidnap him. Obelix had paid them a “friendly” visit. And when we say friendly we mean he only destroyed half the tents in the camp and beat a hundred Romans unconscious leaving the rest still standing.

“Hello Obelix” Marcus said with an awkward smile. “Listen, I am sorry about your dog. It was just a misunderstanding.”

“Oh come on Marcus, I really enjoyed the hospitality”. Obelix hadn't punched Romans for months. And he was so happy! He had that look in his eyes, that combination of enthusiasm and readiness for action with that big smile on his face. Every roman who had seen Obelix like that knew one thing: he was about to kick their asses. As if they were one person Marcus and his men took one step back in horror.

“Identify the purpose of your visit!” Gaius Stubbornius said with a loud voice. He was trying to be intimidating like a true roman officer. 

“Hey Gaius, you should be calmer. They get angry sometimes...” Marcus Silentius whispered him in an anxious tone. Gaius ignored him.

“Identify yourself and the purpose of your journey, or we arrest you and bring you to our camp for interrogation!” Silentius said in a loud voice.

“No!” Obelix said in mock angry defiance. In reality, he was happy. Their village leader had given them instructions never to attack roman unless they attacked first. Now he would have his excuse.

“Very well noble Obelix”, Marcus Silentius said. “We respect your decision, and we wish you a happy journey. Have a...”

“Hey, what are you doing?” Stubbornius said. “Romans! Arrest that Gaul!”

“Oh no, he has that grin on his face”, one of the Romans said. 

“Yes, he does” another one observed. 

The twenty Romans who had been reinforcements under Gaius Stubbornius didn't know anything about the Gauls, their magic potion, and about Obelix. They didn't hesitate to attack. Big mistake!

Obelix put his menhir to the ground and assigned Idefix to guard it. Then he proceeded to meet his foes. The first two who approached him were sent flying about ten meters away. 

It was a brutal fight but the result as always was predetermined. Obelix punched them, picked up their helmets, stacked them in a stack, and then threw their unconscious bodies away. 

In the end, Obelix counted twenty-one helmets. But how? There had been double that number of legionnaires. He looked in the distance. The rest of the legionnaires, veterans of Armorica and Obelix's punches had formed a defensive circle and waited. Obelix approached them.

“Hello Obelix”, Marcus Silentius said. “It is good to see you again... you and your lovely dog.” He was trembling but he tried to remain calm. Of course, he failed.

“Hello Marcus. I am so sorry I didn't have a “friendly” conversation with you like the one I had with the other Romans, but I am a little busy right now. I have a menhir to deliver.”

Marcus took a deep breath of relief. “It is OK Obelix. Have a nice day!” Obelix picked up his menhir and left.

The Romans under Marcus Silentius orders dared to breathe only after Obelix had been about two hundred meters away. Fortunately, nobody died of asphyxiation.

“OK, let's help the others now” Marcus said. “They must be bruised. Hey, where is Gaius Stubbornius?”

They found him hanging from the branches of an oak tree.

“Shall we climb to pick him up?”

“Oh, don't bother. He will fall by himself. Just be there to grab him”, Marcus Silentius said.


	4. Lunch with pirates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obelix feels hungry (after all he only had half a boar for breakfast). So he decides to stop in a tavern owned by... his beloved pirates!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the pirates appear. But they are in land now... and scared by Obelix!!

After a few more hours of peaceful walking, Obelix felt something wrong inside him. There was something missing. Was it a serious psychological problem he was faced with? Was it a deep thought he would have to analyze? Or was it simply the fact he had eaten only half a wild boar for breakfast?

After a careful analysis of the situation that lasted about five seconds, Obelix decided he was hungry. His morale had always been high and his last encounter with those Romans only improved it. As far as deep thinking was concerned, he only did it while eating.

Examining the horizon, Obelix located a lonely building in the distance. Using his advanced smell and consulting his loyal dog Idefix, he reached the conclusion the place was a tavern. Since he was hours away from his destination, he decided to have a lunch break.

 

“A'oy, Cap'ain! Cu'tomer in sig't!” a waiter with speaking problems said. He was a former pirate who tried to have an honest living as a waiter in a tavern that served local food. So did the rest of the people who worked in the restaurant. All of them were former pirates, led by a one-eyed redhair. 

It was not the ethical considerations that made them switch jobs from pirates to restaurant owners. It was the simple fact they had suffered too many misfortunes. For some inexplicable reason, they always — but always — came across the Gauls from that small village. 

Two of them, Asterix and Obelix had caused them serious trouble. They had punched them, sunk their ships, then sunk their ships again and again. In one occasion, the pirates had decided to sink their ship on their own in order to avoid the beating.

“A customer! Good! We will give him something to eat and then steal his money! Right guys?” the head pirate said. The others smiled and nodded in agreement.

“He ca'ies a men'ir!” the waiter with speaking problems said. The problems were a result of someone punching him in the mouth years ago, perhaps a Gaul. He was on top of a tree, acting as a lookout. 

“He al'o has a dog!” the waiter continued. The head pirate immediately became a bit nervous.

“Is it a redhead with ponytails, pants with blue and white stripes and a round helmet?"

“Yes, 'e is!”

“Oh my god! Get down! Now! Everybody inside! Close the door and the windows! We are closed! Move! Move! Move!”

“Hey boss? What is the matter?”, another pirate asked.

“The Gauls! The Gauls are here! That tall, fat, strong Gaul who has punched us time and time again. And he is coming here! So far away from his village! With a big menhir!”

In a few seconds everything was closed. The sign on the door changed from open to close, the fire in the kitchen was extinguished, and everyone pretended to sleep.

 

A few minutes later, Obelix reached the small restaurant. It was closed or at least it appeared so. “But we have smelled it, haven't we Idefix? How did it close so suddenly?” So he decided to knock the door.

Of course for Obelix knocking the door and smashing the door have almost always the same outcome. The door fell to the ground and Obelix stepped on it. “Help!” someone said in a very low voice. But Obelix couldn't find anyone.

“Help!” the man whispered again. “You are stepping on me!” 

“Oops! Sorry!” Obelix replied. He stepped away from the door and picked it up. A red haired man with an eye patch was under it. He appeared to be in a miserable situation. 

“Hey do I know you?” Obelix asked.

“No, no, no! You don't know me, I don't know you and no matter how much I look like someone else you have seen it is not me!” The red haired man was in panic mode. Obelix could not understand why. Perhaps the life of a restaurant owner was very stressful.

“Is the restaurant open?” Obelix asked.

“No, no, sorry! We just closed for renovation!” The man was still in panic mode. 

“OK. Well, sorry for damaging the door. I suppose I have to pay for it...”

“No, no, it's OK! We were going to replace it anyway. Sorry but we have to go to work. Nice to meet you sir! Have a nice day sir!”

Obelix left without saying another word. He picked up his menhir on the way out and left. 

 

Only after Obelix had been about one hour away did he realize who the man was.

“But of course! The pirate! The pirates have become restaurant owners! I will meet them again!” he said with a wide grin. “What do you think Idefix?” Idefix barked in disapproval.

“You don't think is a good idea! But why? Oh right... they are sea people, and they will only serve fish! Right?” Idefix barked in disagreement.

“Oh you mean that since they are no longer pirates, I have no right to punch them? Well, OK, you are right!” 

After this small conversation, the dynamic duo continued their journey. They had a menhir to deliver after all. 

“With my brains and your strength we can make an excellent team Idefix!”


	5. A time to lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obelix delivers his menhir and has lunch. So does Markus Silentius ... gravely concerned with Gaius Stubbornius.
> 
> (OK maybe not so gravely!)

At last Obelix reached his destination. He was very hungry but at least he had found the village he was looking for. And the best part? There was a tavern in the village... and it belonged to the person who had ordered the menhir in the first place!

“Welcome Obelix! Oh, what a nice menhir!”

“Thank you Boelix! Oh, what a nice tavern you have!”

“Hey, would you like a wild boar for lunch?”

“But of course! One for me and one for my loyal dog Idefix!”

Since Idefix preferred to eat the bones, Obelix chose to help him. He ate the meat so as to allow his dog eat the bones. “OK, I might indulge myself a little Idefix but my motives are noble. I want to help my beloved dog!” Idefix gave him an approving bark.

After having eaten two boars Obelix felt in order again. He was so happy. “At last, my psychology has improved. I felt a little empty inside.” Idefix barked.

“Oh you mean I was in perfect psychological situation before?” Idefix barked.

“Oh you mean I have really good friends like you and Asterix? I am so touched Idefix!” Idefix barked for a third time.

“Yes, we are a good team. My intelligence and your strength...” For some reason Idefix barked in disagreement.

“Yes of course. You are very intelligent yourself Idefix. And what did you say? That I am also strong myself? Thank you so much!” Idefix gave a resigned bark. Sometimes human beings were so slow-thinking. Dogs had to tell them what to do all the time.

 

Meanwhile, in one Roman fort, Marcus Silentius was enjoying his lunch. The fort physician was with him. 

“What happened to Gaius Stubbornius doctor?” Marcus asked in an innocent way, a suspiciously innocent one.

“Oh he was unconscious when he fell from that tree, and he remains so. 

"What happened? How did he end up there?”

Marcus Silentius gave him a sober look and uttered a single word: “Obelix”. It was all he needed to say.

“Unfortunately”, the doctor said “your legionnaires didn't grab Stubbornius when he fell from the tree, so he hit his head for a second time. Now, instead of being unconscious for one day, he will be unconscious for a period of one or maybe two weeks.”

“I already took care of the matter doctor. The men who did it will soon be in the Colosseum to see the lions.”

“As a punishment for their failure to catch Gaius Stubbornius in a timely manner?” the doctor asked. Marcus gave him a conspiratorial look.

“No, as a reward for their plan. They took initiative, they made it look like an accident, and most of it they got rid of Stubbornius for two weeks! I am so proud of them! And the best part? If a court-martial tries to find out what happened, I wil be off the hook! My men gave me plausible deniability!” The doctor smiled.

“Yes, one week without Gaius...”

“OK doctor”, Marcus said “what do you want to make them two?”

“Two weeks of paid leave starting … tonight!”

“Done!” They shook hands. It was always nice and rewarding to break the rules in a professional, mutually beneficial manner.

 

At last, it was time for Obelix to leave. He paid his bill with part of his reward for the menhir, stood up, and left. The return journey was waiting for him.


	6. Asterix and Cacofonix return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asterix and the bard Cacofonix return from their mission. Eighty Romans ambush them. But Asterix has a secret weapon: the voice of Cacofonix.

It was a warm and sunny autumn when Asterix, the famous sidekick of Obelix — or is it the other way around? — and Cacofonix, the famous bard of our so beloved village reached Armorice. Fortunately, our beloved bard was busy admiring the nature, sparing Asterix the displeasure of listening to his voice.

Asterix, always the cunning and inventive warrior, had once suggested the Gauls use Cacofonix as a secret weapon. If the Romans dared to attack, the bard would sing, scaring and demoralizing them. Meanwhile, the Gauls would have covered their ears with pieces of cloth, harmlessly waiting for the inevitable outcome of the battle. 

To Asterix's surprise, the bard had accepted. Of course Cacofonix had misinterpreted the meaning of “demoralizing” of his songs. He believed his songs were demoralizing to the Romans due to their heroic content and the passion he had when he sung them. Asterix actually had thought about the ear damage the bard's voice would cause to everyone unfortunate enough to hear the songs. In any case, Asterix didn't try to explain what he really had in mind to Cacofonix.

In the end, the proposition had been dismissed. Most Gauls had dismissed it for humanitarian reasons, much to Asterix's surprise. The same people who had no hesitation to punch people till they made them faint didn't want the same people to suffer. Granted, listening to Cacofonix singing was often a worse torture than waterboarding or punching but still... 

Obelix had also dismissed the idea but for entirely different reasons.

“But Asterix”, Obelix had said “if we let Cacofonix sing, the Romans will run away!”

“That's the idea Obelix”, Asterix had replied.

“But who am I going to punch if they run away?” Obelix had asked. “I am going to lose my best source of entertainment!”

Asterix had to concede the point. It was still antiquity after all. There were no televisions, Internet, smartphones, Facebook, and fan fiction sites yet. Punching Romans and punching each other were the only good sources of entertainment. 

In the end, Asterix withdrew the proposition. He really wanted his best friend to be happy. 

And besides even he wanted to punch a Roman from time to time!

 

Unlike Obelix, Asterix and Cacofonix did not have super strength. To remain strong, they had to periodically drink the magic potion their druid created for them. Unfortunately, they had run out of it.

They were close to the four Roman forts surrounding their village when suddenly eighty Roman soldiers appeared from the forest.

 

Gaius Stubbornius had brought a hundred soldiers with him. All of them were unfamiliar with the Gauls and wanted to prove themselves in battle. Twenty of them had met Obelix and everything had gone perfectly … for Obelix. The rest of them were there, ready to attack.

 

Asterix saw them first. The Gauls were two, the Romans were eighty.

“Cacofonix, I think the Romans have a slight numerical advantage.”

“It doesn't seem slight to me Asterix.”

There was no way to outrun them, there was no way to win them in a fight. There was only one thing to do. 

“My friend Cacofonix, there is something I need to tell you”, Asterix said in a friendly but firm tone.

“I am a great fun of yours Cacofonix. Your music is so powerful, so inspiring! I love it! Don't worry what our friends in the village say. They just have a bad taste!”

“Thank you Asterix! But why do you say that?”

“Your music is an authentic Gaulish cry for freedom! It panics the Romans with its sheer strength and passion!”

“I remember now Asterix! You wanted me to play it to scare the Romans!”

“Yes Cacofonix. Your music is epic and demoralises them!”

 

Inspired by Asterix's encouraging words, the bard unpacked his musical instruments and started singing. 

Meanwhile, the eighty determined Romans were approaching. Soon they were about fifty meters away.

It was a devastating defeat … for the Romans. The moment Cacofonix started singing … they run away like hares!

“You did it Cacofonix!” Asterix said while discreetly removing two small pieces of cloth from his ears. “Stop singing! They are gone!”

“I did it! I did it! I want to sing a celebratory song for us Asterix! Thank you so much Asterix! You have so much faith in me!”

“Well listen Cacofonix!”, Asterix said in a low and conspiratorial voice. “Did you see these Romans? They were not afraid of us. They must be new!”

“Yes Asterix. So what?”

“Well … that means the Romans have brought reinforcements. They were hidden in the forest! There might be more!” Asterix said in a dramatic tone. In reality, he just wanted to prevent Cacofonix from singing again.

“We have to quietly return to the village and inform our leader. Do you understand that?” Cacofonix nodded.

“Good. We move silently. You only sing if we are attacked.”

“OK Asterix.”

 

A few kilometres away, Obelix and his loyal dog Idefix were slowly moving back to their village when they suddenly …

“Eighty Romans approaching us! Great!” He looked at them more carefully. “But why are they in panic mode? Maybe someone scared them.”

Idefix barked in excitement.

Ten minutes later, all eighty Roman legionnaires were unconscious. Idefix approached Obelix carrying a huge chunk of someone's cloak.

“You got a souvenir Idefix. How nice! We shall offer it to our leader as a gift.” Idefix barked.

“A good idea? Thanks. OK, let's move now!”


	7. Three Gauls and one dog return to their village

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obelix, Idefix, Asterix, and Cacofonix meet each other and return to their village. It is the end of a meaningful day for all of them.

“Obelix! Is that you?” Obelix immediately recognized the voice of his best friend.

“Asterix! Is that you? Where are you?” Asterix immediately recognized the voice of his best friend.

“Yes, that is me! I am behind a pile of unconscious Romans!” 

One minute later, Asterix, Obelix, Cacofonix — and Idefix — met each other behind a pile of eighty Romans.

“I think they are the ones I made run away”, Cacofonix said. Obelix looked at him, curious.

“Cacofonix sung an epic song to frighten them”, Asterix told Obelix with a knowing smile.

“Oh you mean one of his most epic ones! Yes, and he led them all straight to Idefix and me! Thank you Cacofonix!” 

The three Gauls — and the one Gaulish dog — kept walking towards their village. While walking, they exchanged information about what had happened to them.

Obelix talked about his new delivery service that allowed him to expand his customer base to more villages. He also mentioned he had an encounter with Romans in the morning and that he visited a tavern whose owner had a suspicious resemblance to a pirate.

“Yes, Asterix a pirate. He was very polite though. I don't understand why.” Idefix barked.

“He was polite so as to avoid me hitting him? Hey Idefix, you are a very smart dog you know!”

“Too bad they are not in our way. We could visit them”, Asterix said.

“So Asterix, what about your mission?”

 

Asterix described that he and Cacofonix were on a secret mission in Rome. They needed to infiltrate the palace of Julius Caesar himself! There was a very important reason for that: they needed to stop a conspiracy against him!

“Julius Caesar is an enemy but at least he is predictable. If they remove him, someone unpredictable will take his place and then...”

“Sent more Romans against us?” Obelix asked, his eyes full of hope.

“No Obelix. If Caesar goes, the Romans will lose interest in us. And then”, Asterix said in a sad tone “the Roman forts around us with the legionnaires ...”

Obelix looked at Asterix. He was almost in tears. “Will close?”

Asterix looked at Obelix with a sober expression. “Yes Obelix. Punching Romans, our only meaningful source of entertainment will be gone.”

“Thank goodness you stopped those conspirators. Thank you so much Asterix!” Obelix grabbed Asterix and hugged him. Unfortunately, he put too much strength and Asterix couldn't breathe!

“Hey Obelix”, Asterix whispered, “Hey”. Obelix let Asterix fall to the ground. 

“Sorry, I sometimes forget I fell to the cauldron with the magic potion when I was a kid”, Obelix said in an embarrassed tone. 

 

A few hours later, the night had fallen and the three Gauls — and one dog — were almost in the village. It was time to go to dinner. But there was one problem.

“We don't have boars Asterix”, Obelix said. Asterix looked at him, a wide grin on his face.

“Cacofonix, we really need to celebrate and announce our arrival! It is time for you to sing!” Cacofonix, not suspecting Asterix's motives did exactly that.

The result was predictable. A huge number of wild boars left the forest in panic and headed to the village the moment Cacofonix started singing. The village main gate was open and the villagers started gathering the boars.

Obelix was happy beyond description. “Our dinner has just entered the village!” 

 

Fifteen minutes later, the three Gauls and Idefix entered the village. In less than two hours a welcome ceremony would be ready for them, with lots of roasted boars and many litres of cold beer. Idefix was still holding the Roman cape with his teeth.

“I am in singing mood tonight!”, Cacofonix said. Obelix looked at him, eyes widened in anxiety. Fortunately, he had a plan.

“No Cacofonix, you should not do that!” , Obelix said in a worried voice. Both Asterix, Cacofonix, and Idefix looked at him in surprise.

“Listen Cacofonix”, Obelix said in a sober tone “there is something I tell you. Our people have ...” Obelix paused for emphasis, “a bad taste in music.”

Cacofonix nodded in agreement. The villagers were always gagging and tying him whenever he tried to sing. 

“You are right Obelix. I won't waste my considerable talent for them”, Cacofonix said. “I am going to my hut to prepare for dinner.” With those words, the bard left for his tree house.

“You really have a strategy Obelix. I am so proud of you” Asterix said.

“Well Asterix, I am not just a tall, strong, and handsome entrepreneur. I am also intelligent.” 

“Right you are Obelix”, Asterix replied. “Let's get ready for dinner!” Idefix barked in a happy tone.

 

And of course, nobody can separate a Gaul from his dinner, especially if the Gaul is our beloved Obelix!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first time I read Asterix was in 1991 if I remember correctly. It immediately became one of my favourite fictional worlds ... and it still is.
> 
> This story is a humble love letter to the wonderful heroes of my childhood.


End file.
